Making a plan to get along better with T. This is something I need to do because I have been here for a month now and he has come to my house once. He has been receptive to the idea of a shared calendar, but we need to get past the initial hurdle of a) getting that set up and b) using it!
T is something of a challenge. He and I were close when we were young, but were quite different even then. I was larger and stronger and more academic. I don’t think he liked being in the year below, and the pressure and expectations some teachers, quite unfairly put him under to be more like me, or at least be comparable. Where I liked to read and was sedentary, he was active and liked to watch. Where I went to University and got married, he was active in the dating scene and went to work, immediately earning more money than me when we were teens.
Where I was passionate about Mormonism, he was distant and didn’t take much apparent interest. There is a real contrast here. But I can’t help but feel, that with a little careful effort I can find some ways for us to be more of a team and to have a stronger and closer relationship.
Note: Sticking to this is hard. I have been to the toilet twice, gotten dressed (now in jeans, socks etc), I have exchanged some messages with L from Hinge, R from the party, and made some notes and reminders for myself through Siri.
Older Brother dynamic
One of the barriers is that I don’t think I have actually been, nor does T feel I have been a good older brother. Perhaps this is something I could research. What might his expectations of me be. There’s a good chance he doesn’t expect to support me, but the other way around. The problem in this relationship might be me. Which is hard to admit, but brings success within reach as me is something I can do things about!
Resentments
Possibly an extension of the last thought? I am not just dealing with who I am today, but who I have been. There are clearly gaps in my expectations and ideas and the reality of the situation. When I set up saving funds for the girls I thought T might like to chip in a few pounds here and there. That hasn’t proved to be the case.
Often our interactions feel like they have started badly before they have started. Perhaps some form of inventory or open conversation? A reset might help?
Circumstances
I don’t know very much about T’ circumstances. Well, I do know some things. He would like £100 a month from me for access to the new car for example. So perhaps he is also under some financial pressure and would like some relief from the car payment. Equally, he has gone ahead and signed up for a new car and a charger and new fences etc, so doesn’t seem to be under much financial pressure. Not sure on this one.
Personal goals
I have no idea. What is next for him, what are his ambitions etc. I think this needs to come later as asking about this now would just feel invasive or rude. I need to work on our baseline friendship first. Perhaps when he starts voluntarily telling me about his thoughts and plans I will know I have rebuilt the relationship effectively?
Perspective
He sees the world differently. Rather than regarding this as a problem, I could instead listen more as there are many other people who see things the same way, or in a similar way and I could benefit from being aware and perhaps sympathising with this rather than just thinking he is wrong. Tempting though that is!