I have some compassion for myself here. I got back from Newcastle and the presentation there reasonably late. That was a little underwhelming / disappointing as we proved to be more of a side-show than a main even piece. In hindsight we could have gone through to the main room to show ourselves and entice people to come and join our part of the meeting.
This happens a lot, when I stop to think about things I can see where I could have done better. Or done something differently. One of the problems this creates is an unwillingness to do things, which is an attempt to avoid the later feeling I ought to have done something else, or done it differently.
Wow, the temptation to pick up my phone is strong! I picked it up, unlocked it and then locked it and put it back. I don’t need anything from it right now, but the little burning hope that someone will message me, or something interesting will happen so I don’t need to deal with the present challenge of working my way through these entries is more powerful than I realised.
Partly because after I wrote the first filler day entry I saw that I have several more right at the beginning of May, and it’s now the last day of May. How long will I be here my mind asks, can I really do this? Will my fingers make it through? What on Earth will I even write about?
The exercise will be good for me. Perhaps mental action is like motion for the body. It is its own answer. Moving helps move the blood through your joints, sooth the tendons and relieve pain. It can feel hard, but getting moving is often the best way to deal with physical discomfort, soreness and irritation.
I have gained some weight again, this isn’t a huge shock. This month has been nothing but a bundle of loneliness and stress. I have spent so much money, on my teeth, on a car, on insurance for the car, on new direct debits for things like insurance and council tax. The list is long. When it reaches the appropriate spot on my work list I think I will load my bank statements into Claude and review what I have done and decide whether I could have done any better.
I’ve spent some money dating. Driving to them, buying meals etc. This is in the hundreds and it’s all optional. I didn’t need to spend any of that, and perhaps I should think about the time spent as much as the money. Of all the cost centres this is the one I currently feel most sensitive about. I should really think about more manageable ways to deal with my loneliness and appetite for company.
Perhaps it is totemic for my desire for greater focus and progress. All around me I can see things I have started and not finished. The kitchen is mostly cleaned and stocked, but not entirely. The bedroom upstairs has not been cleared out properly. The living room is set up but perhaps I should have created a comfortable zone.
Perhaps I think too much.