I picked a topic for this one, but just before I cover that – these entries are from my first weekend in the house. When I discovered the water was off, the radiators empty, the roof was leaking, how different T and I are, and how easily we can be upset by the other person. This induced a state of continuous panic. No single moment, but a sustained period of anxiety and uncertainty. I felt very uncomfortable and irritable. T took some of the doors off and rather than thinking about why or leaning on his experience of working on his own home, I just got upset that he and my parents were not coming to me for what needed to be done.
There, found it. I felt they were each, by taking their own actions and following their own sense of things, telling me through their actions that I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t like it. Which means I am insecure about it. Lesson there!
Surrounding myself with the right friends.
There is no doubt that L was a positive influence on me in many ways. She encouraged me to be honest, to work on myself, to work harder and more consistently, to rest less and move more. I resisted this and ultimately allowed it to break out relationship. But as I sit here I can see clearly that I would be ahead of where I am now in the house if she was here. Not because of any help or work she might do, but because I would be more focused and productive.
It was one of the pain points of that relationship. I think it is part of the reason I am writing this now. She regularly made time for self-reflection and made extensive notes for herself, scheduling extensively and being deliberate about her development, friendships and professional effort.
There are many reasons why she was so popular at work and one of them is her investment in doing the job well. She wrote policies, presented things, and no doubt made and is making a huge impact at the charity. I don’t think I work at her level. I also think more opportunities would come my way if I did. Hell, I would find and pursue more of them!
She is no longer in my life. I have only my memories of her and her behaviour. This has made me very conscious of my new friends. D and S are great people, and there are aspects of D’s behaviour where he is ahead of me. He is, for example, more productive. He has built Renown Forge, which I think I could also have done. He paints many more models than I do, which I obviously could have done. He explores more advanced painting techniques and improves through failure.
I feel farther away both philosophically and physically from people like D, J, M, L and M. Moving out here means I have shifted from Canary Wharf, where almost everyone I interacted with was more successful and driven than I am to a place where I could very easily relax into day to day life.
This is useful, because I don’t want to. I just don’t want that.
What a lesson? I am not content with who I am today, and I want to be better, I want to be in better shape, to take better care of myself and others and I must translate this into action. I am a little bit proud of myself for getting on and writing these entries. It is a forward step.
So where am I going to find some friends now I am living in Maidstone? I need to seek out some communities of people who are interested in property development perhaps? Also, given my humble circumstances, I also need to find every opportunity to learn and get materials and help in a way which isn’t going to cost me too much time or money.
There may be real value in starting a once-a-week philosophy group too. If I get it right, this could be a source of romantic interest and experiences as well as being a great way to meet interesting people. I should try to see what groups are already available in the area too.
I should get out to meet some of my neighbours as well!